Happy Birthday to Me- 51 (Yesterday)

Making another year- shoot I will take that.  That's happy.

Happy Birthday to Brother Steve today.  He is 10 years older.  Which makes me reflect.  Our family had quite a week from the 24th to Jan 1st.  Here is what I mean, and just some fond memories for each day.

December 24th.  (Early years)  Grandma and Grandpa Kitty would come over and provide a gift on Christmas Eve.  I was young- and I just remember getting my first Mr. Potato Head.  Life was simpler at that time.  (Later years)  Family dinner at our home, bless my mom.  She really tried to make it all special.  She found a recipe for Swans (a big chicken breast with shrimp for the head, and quite honestly I forgot what the tail was).  That was the tradition for at least 5 years.

December 25th.  I grew up in a large house, and we had to sit on the steps going down stairs singing Christmas carols until everyone was awake, and then we opened packages.  I do remember one year my brother Jim and I probably woke up at 5AM- and the singing wasn't well received.  We had a large living room- and a large tree.  Very fond memories growing up.  But we weren't done.  We had to drag ourselves away from all the new gifts to Grandma and Grandpa Carlson's house.  That was a big group of 30+.  We all got a gift from Chippy Santa.  (Who?)  Chippy was the dog. 

December 26th.  Grandma and Grandpa Kitty's anniversary.  I only mention this since this day confused me.  My parents had a ton of people at my house for a anniversary party, but shoot it was my birthday the next day.  We were told to stay upstairs, but not me.  I went down convinced it had to be something about my birthday said hi to everyone in my pajamas.  Wrong move.  Oooops. 

December 27th.  Happy Birthday to me.  I give my parents a ton of credit.  All these days of get together, they still invited a big group to our house for a birthday party.  This I split with brother Steve when he was in town.  My moms favorite activity was burning the garlic bread, since she was pretty lit up at the time with my aunt Karen Nelson.  Too many fond memories, but one sticks out.  Grandma Kitty found me useful on my 21st birthday.  She had one more person to buy her some bourbon.  She gave me a birthday card with $100 in it, said that it will buy lots of beer.  With my eyes lit up- she added bourbon on the trip to the store.  Glad to do it.  She had one drink during wheel of fortune, and I think Golden Girls deserved one as well.

December 28th.  Happy Birthday to Brother Steve.  It was a treat to have him home during this time.  It didn't always happen, but when it did it was sure nice.

December 29-30-  Would you believe nothing?  I guess all families need a rest. 

December 31st.  Here goes my mom again.  She really did try to make things special.  For a few years she just cooked appetizers, (my first discovery of tiny hotdogs), we filled up on those and went to a movie.  One most memorable was Snow White at the Lombard Du Page theatre.  Why is that.  I enjoyed the show, but brother Jim got too involved in everything that he started throwing up.  Again my Mom was a saint.

Have a wonderful year ahead.

Merry Christmas- Where do I begin

Call these random thoughts by Tim

• I am back at Xerox.  Wow- that's something.  I had a conversation with my Doctor Gaynor and we were at a cross roads.  Xerox required that a "check up" period was needed to confirm the status of my disability.  That meant more medical from the doc.  But I asked her, based on my condition now, and your history with guys at this stage of the disease, would you go back to work.  She said she would think that it would be a good idea.  And on Christmas Eve was my first day back.  I can see what she meant.  I was out of the house, and almost forced to do more.  Forced to "exercise".  My recliner in my basement got too comfortable.   Xerox is changing my role, and I will have less responsibility than I had before.  They are very interested in me coming back and staying back.
• People ask how I am feeling, and it will never be a 10 out of 10, but its above a 5 which is good.  Because I am back to work doesn't mean life is good again.  All it means is I am taking one step to help myself.  If going back to Xerox doesn't pan out for the long run, I will use some time to volunteer somewhere.  I am blessed with being at Xerox with a very generous disability policy. 
• I am on the 2nd round of chemo and the 9th day removed.  So I should feel pretty darn good for a while, and I can say that I do.
• Walking is still going to be a "adventure".  While I can get around just fine, the longer walks I will need to skip.  Possibly all the time in the basement, but I am thinking the cancer.  I wish it was the basement.
• Jim, friend Scott, Deanna and I are going out for lunch.  Food is good, especially when you don't have to cook it.  This way we have the night for whatever, and if it means we take naps, we take naps.  If it means we go do something, that's fine too.  Far from the days of going to my Grandma Carlson's house with 40 people for dinner.

Merry Christmas to everyone.  Some will read this today, some maybe in June.  I appreciate the concern and hanging in there with me.

Is no news good news?

Since the beginning of this I have used this as a tool for personal reflection, and to report how the heck is Tim doing.   Here are the rules:

• You should hear something from me approx. every third day.  This has turned out to be a fun exercise for me to type.
• I am not holding back on any news.  So if you have the link to see this, it is my intention to share.
• If you care to share the link with someone else, that is fine with me. 
• This platform just makes it so much easier to let people know who are concerned about me be kept up to date without the need for individual emails- etc.

So what happens if you don't hear from me for a while:

• Something is wrong.  If I can not personally update this thing I will make sure this gets updated with any latest news within 1 week.

So some of the posts will be really short- on my tablet- others will be longer with Random thoughts by Tim. 

The last few days have been hard.  I had the chemo on Tuesday and finally today I am getting back to normal.  Which is weird.  The last cycle of chemo was a piece of cake- and I felt fine.  Who knows.

More happy stuff to come.

This one is from bed....Happy tablet

Did I tell you cancer stinks.

Lets start the story 8 days ago.  Oh my lord I was feeling awesome.  And this was the case for a while. No need form painkillers or anything else.   Now let's move the timeline to 10pm Dec 12.  Oh my lord, I played the game Tim meet cancer pain.  Brother Jim helped on Saturday.  I was making very bad noises.  This is something no one needs to hear. Speaking of someone not needing to hear something...friend Scott got to experience bad Tim since brother Jim had to pick up more painkillers.

After 2 days in bed,  I was up for about 8 hours.  I will be going downstairs soon....or take a nap.  Chemo tomorrow.

24 Years- How Tim Got married.

Wow- So I met this girl in 1986 November, and in 1988 she finally had enough.  She finally said, when are we getting married.  Because we decided on that step much earlier.  At that time in my life I didn't have money, just out of college, starting a new job as a co-manager at Browns Chicken and Pasta.  But darn it, she didn't want a 30 year engagement, lets get er done.  So we opened a credit card account at Marshall Fields, they gave us a $500 limit and bought a ring.  She's a trouper, she wore that ring you could barely see for years until we were able to upgrade with something else.

So how in the heck do you get married?  Lets call the Rolling Meadows Court House and ask.  It was easy as ordering a pizza.  They told me to get the licenses a few days before, and then asked me when I would like to come in.  My chance, I can decide on an easy date and never forget it.  12/12/1990.  So I hung up the phone and my mind was blown.  What the heck did I just do?  Because of a long story her parents were not told, but I did let my mom know. And that group swelled to about 15. 

So that morning prior to going, lets go to Portillos.  That's romance at its finest.  We arrived at the court house and I needed $12 for something.  Not sure what and I didn't have it.  Brother Steve to the rescue.  But Steve wasn't done there.  He as an attorney brought some whiskey with him and we did a shot of whiskey in the bathroom.  Attorneys don't get searched.   Not sure what would be next, we went into a court room and a gem of a person, Judge Cahill performed a memorable ceremony.  With that we were done. 

Back to my moms for some cake.  They set up a nice table for us.  And then we were off to another party?  You see it was my Grandma Carlson's Birthday.  It was her day, not ours.  So we waited until the end to announce everything,  and had some champagne. 

So I have been with this girl for over 29 years.  It has been one heck of a journey.  Her jobs ranged from picking up dog poop at Save-a-Pet to Tiffany and Company Sales.  I went from French fries at Browns Chicken, to doing financial work at Xerox.  Oh- the 20 years of doing taxes.......  We have traveled our share, which is a blessing.  I think I have been to Hawaii 5 different times. 

The true blessing in my life is to have met her, someone to share my life with.  The person who I am happy to see when she walks in the door.  The person who talked me off the edge when I lost all my composure while hiking in the woods at Mammoth Cave long after dark. Somehow she got us back to the car by the moonlight.  Deanna has met every person in my family, most have past on.  From Grandma Ebert who had enough of brother Ted, Jim, and myself, but walked hand in hand with Deanna.  To my Grandma Kitty who was receiving hospice care and when we came back from our ceremony, we woke her up to tell her, she smiled and said that's nice.  Grandma Kitty really liked Deanna and their mutual love of animals.  My dad scared her, she did eat her squash at the dinner table, that was a first.  To my mom who was there at her Student Art Show at WIU.  My mom was genuinely proud of her.  Me- not so much, but Deanna, yes.

I would love to think I will grow old with her, but sadly that is not going to happen.  And for that I feel really cheated.  But for me in Happy Land, look what I have, its what most people don't ever get to experience.  So I cant feel cheated, I have to feel lucky.  Lucky that I have met her, lucky that she stands by me, puts up with all my nonsense, and takes care of me.  Thank you Deanna. 

Life and times of a guy with cancer

This last weekend I felt wonderful, able to walk the dog, truly back to normal.  On Monday I had to go in for some scans.  So Dear Diary- here is what happened Monday.

1:45 prior start drinking one jar of barium.  This lovely task started at 8:45 AM for the scan at 10:30.  This is the CT scan.  So on the way, I didn't have coffee in my glass in the car- it was barium.  Arrive at Loyola at 9:15 for an injection where I had to go to nuclear medicine to get.  No problem, becoming an expert on where everything is, I received the injection of a radioactive tracer at 9:30- then I come back for a scan at 12:45.  I have to have enough time to light up for the scan.  This one was the bone scan. 

Ok- Back to the CT scan.  One container of barium isn't enough for these guys, they give you another to sip down 45 minutes prior to the test.  So start the ct scan at 10:30 with another injection.  This one makes my body feel really warm and at times wants me to throw up.  That test was quick, and now its time for Tim to get lost for 2 hours for the bone scan.  Having a sandwich killed 15 minutes- so it was back to the car and drive.  I ended up going to Target, picked up some things, and back to get scanned. 

The Bone Scan you lay down on a little table which isn't comfortable for about an hour.  When they figured that I was done, (I am never done, they always want more shots), I asked the lady, please let me sit up.  This whole process is hell.  And when the time is right I will lie back down and pose however they wanted.  Funny thing happened, they said I could go, they didn't need extra pictures.

So on the way home I felt off- because of all the drugs in me.  It hit me Tue and Wed- which is longer than normal of the "inflamed body parts".  While I could have functioned normally those 2 days, I spent lots of time in bed.  I think the word still here is cumulative.  Prior to Monday I was finally at a level where the body was feeling awesome.  But the scans on Monday have seemed to set me back.  It seems to be better today and I can have a nice and productive day. 

Happy Peal Harbor Day- or Sunday.

One thing I have learned about myself.  I don't realize how bad I feel when I am feeling that way.  Sure I feel the aches and pains, and find myself zapped of energy but I go on with my day dealing with things. 

A couple of examples:  Early November if I took a bath, (ok we have a nice tub), getting up from the tub was a challenge.  Yesterday I just popped up out of there.  Early November the shopping I did was at Walgreens, less walking, and easier.  Yesterday I went to Wal-Mart.  This is something I haven't done in a long while.  I walked all around the store and was fine.  I even was awake when Deanna got home last night and took her to a Chinese restaurant (9pm).  Earlier in the month I was sleeping by 9pm.  So something is helping me, and I am enjoying each day like this. 

It will be my 24th wedding anniversary on Friday.  Because of her work schedule we will do something on her day off Wednesday.  Lets hope Tim's body cooperates this time.  On our 20th anniversary, we sat at dinner at Harry Carry's, with a room upstairs at the Westin.  So what did I decide to do, faint during dinner, get taken away by ambulance.  They wanted to keep me in the hospital, but I had a wonderful room at the Westin.  The one and only time I did something against medical advice.  We went back to the room, had McDonalds, and ended a horrible night.  Great room, great beds, but really disappointed. 

Each day I feel like this is a gift.  I know I am on a roller coaster.  But for everyone reading this, every day for each of us is a gift.  Fine we have to do some cruddy things some times, like clean the house and maybe spend an extra long day at work, but think of the alternative.  Think about the kid that I see getting chemo.  Think about the people in your own lives and family's having to deal with a loved one going through something like  this.

I guess my next task is what to get her for the 24th.  I know there is a list, there is a golden anniversary, silver, but I think I know.  The 24th anniversary is Bourbon.  That will help her deal with me and all the crap that goes along with it.  Time to Google Bourbon gift baskets.

PSA and this isnt Public Service Announcement



 

PSA Results

 

The decrease is nice to say the least.  And now that I am again being treated for the cancer, hopefully this continues.  A few notes:

• Last year November was the start of one medication which was easy to take and that lasted a while. 
• From July 1-Sept 9 I was undergoing a chemo that just didn't work.  That was stopped.
• In October I took a 10 day all expense paid trip to the hotel Loyola Hospital.  No prostate cancer treatment during my stay.  You will notice a great increase.  From there its just a bad math exercise.  But you will notice the velocity of the increase slowed down.   I am guessing the slow down was helped by the weight I have lost.
• And you see the line pointed down.  I am getting treatment, and hopefully this continues.

This is something I am not going to beat.  I know this.  But the goal is to keep this number at bay for as long as possible.  What's a normal level you may ask, you see the green line at the bottom of the chart. 

I will continue to be as educated as I can be at this.  For example there is a test that I can take, and if its a match there is a phase 2 clinical trial drug that can knock this senseless.  So that's a conversation I will have with someone who is listed as one of Chicago's top doctors.  This was a suggestion from someone who won a national award for Prostate cancer mentorship.  This is through an online support group.  If I went to a support group in person, I would be the youngest one there, and shortly after going, find a bridge and jump. 

So time to enjoy today, and when tomorrow happens I am going to enjoy the heck out of that.  Every day is a gift.

Another Bear Game Bites the Dust- Story Time (a good one)

Wow- One week post chemo and I just cant guarantee that I can last 8 hours with the walking, etc.  Not fair.  But if the chemo is doing what it should....that's fair.  I was able to sell the tickets, not for a profit, but I was able to sell at the last minute. 

Story Time:  When I had brain surgery in 2002 prior to them telling me to breathe deeply and go to sleep....I thought if I wake up from this I need to take her to Hawaii.  That is where the mind goes, not gee I would like to work more, but time to have a great experience.  Darn, I woke up from the thing....this was October- now lets play with the time machine to February. 

In February while doing taxes for Deanna's manager I posed the question.  I would love to surprise her with a trip- I put her through to much crap.  Lisa's eyes lit up and asked what I was thinking.  I told her, and asked if she could help make this happen, her basic comment was hell yes.  Lisa did the work schedule.  She said she could dummy it up so Deanna would think she is only off for a couple days.  Time to call the travel agent.  She sent me a dummy itinerary to Vegas, and the real one she sent to work.  So time for the time machine.....end of April.

I got done with taxes, and I apologetically told her, since we are only going to Vegas, how about going up to Milwaukee for the weekend, off we went.  As we were in the Art Museum, all I thought, we are going to Hawaii, we are going to Hawaii.....  I went over to her to discuss the trip, I almost blew it.  You see, everyone in the tax office knew, my work knew, my tax clients knew....I was excited.  I blurted out when we go to Vegas we can do xyz.  I almost said Hawaii.  At that time I knew I was in trouble, I could even blow it. 

Problem with scheduling at work.   I had a frantic note from Lisa my accomplice that people were asking Deanna to switch days with her.  Deanna agreed, she saw the dummy schedule, what did she care.  At that time I told her friend, (I let him in on it about a week before), invite Deanna to places.  Concerts, etc.  That way she wouldn't switch days at work.  I think she was going to Aerosmith, and who knows what else.  That problem was solved. 

Ok- one last problem to solve, my big mouth.  It was the day before, I am thinking I cant believe I am getting away with this thing, and being around her I thought I would slip.  So I told her I was going to Dominick's to shop- and I would be gone for a while.  I went there, sat in the parking lot to make sure I kept my mouth shut.  I came home she was in bed, and the next morning I made sure I arrived early to work so I wouldn't have to talk to her.

Ok- how do I do it.  I came up with the idea of sending 5 greeting cards to work so her co-workers could give her at random times during the day, and finally the last one broke the news.  The first cards were sorry I lied to you and I took my medicine.  I gave one gentle clue on the second to the last card.  And the final card is burned in my memory.
Hello my dear its me again,
I do this because you are the best.
Hawaii we go with a boat to the room
And Friday Dolphin Quest. 

I got to see her read it, she hopped, and I was there.  If anyone has the opportunity to do something like this in their life- do it.  Beyond memorable, beyond worth it.  We probably put some on credit cards, we probably spent too much.  But who cares.  I wish I could repeat it.

New chemo notes

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with my family.  My sister in-law is such a special person.  They flew in and because of her and her efforts it was extremely memorable.

Chemo was Tue night, and I had to go back on Wednesday for an injection to stimulate the bone marrow.  What that did was to make my bones hurt where the cancer is.  Ouch...that lasted until today.  Today I feel like I am hungover.  Tired and not wanting to do anything.  I am watching the movie Nebraska with Deanna with dog Samantha laying on my leg.

I will try to keep this updated regularly.  If there isn't a post for a while I am not feeling great.  Thanks to all who read this.  Here's hoping for a healthy December.

Updates on all accounts

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

As we left my journey it was Monday night and I was still in quite a bit of pain, full dose of pain killers, last dose at 11pm.  What was happening- they don't quite last the 6 hours so I expected I would be up in bed at 4am- with something in my body angry at me, having to watch Andy Griffith to kill time to take more medicine.  I have no idea what happened, I know people are praying for me, but I woke up at 7am- and I was fine.  I got up out of bed- walked pretty normal- and that part of my latest crisis was over.  Very weird.  2 days, unable to do much and some happy bunnies saw me in the middle of the night and fixed me.  Whatever it was, I will take it.

Saw the doc on Tue, and I am now again being treated for the prostate cancer.  I have one more thing to refine, to get my calcium up.  And then I can add the bone strengthening  drug again.  That should be easy.  Long day yesterday- doc at 10:15- chemo 3pm- out at 6pm.  Then poor me, I had to go to Ditka's for dinner, with my brother and sister in law- wonderful time.  Great food. 

Day after chemo I feel fine.  I have to be grateful about that one.  Hopefully that will continue. 

Last unrelated comment.  To those venturing out on Black Friday for anything, I have to relay my experience at Wal-Mart last year. 

They were advertising a 30 inch TV for $98- guaranteed in stock for an hour.  It was from 6-7, so of course I left at 6:15.  Who wants to fight the crowds when the store opens.  I did have to park a long way- but who cares.  As I waked up there was a fire truck, 2 police cars, and an ambulance.  I just had to laugh- Happy Holidays.  I walked in the store- found the person with the coupons to buy the TV- went to the register- and I was out by 7pm.  The only catch is that you register on line for home delivery- (free), and it came 2 weeks later.  So now they are advertising a 50 inch for 225- in college I heard bigger is better, so I guess its off to Wal-Mart one more time.  I wonder how many ambulances they will have on guard this time. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Pain * 2

Ok- now this isn't the direction I wanted to go.  I had a normal week, had lunch with a friend, started to get my mind around living life again.  I had tickets to the Bear Game on Sunday, and as late as Saturday night was making plans to go to the game. 

Good morning Sunday......damn.....well Saturday night trying to sleep.  I started to get pains at different parts of my body.  I do have some pain killers which do a great job, and after a full dose, I still felt things.  On Sunday morning I woke up, started to walk and my legs were unstable.   The stability got better, but pain still remained....  I took a walk outside and realized the Bear Game was a dream- I wouldn't be able to go. 

Finally at 12:45 I went up to bed and stayed there for most of the day.  Later on the pain was better, (with painkillers), and I was up for a couple hours last night watching some TV.  I have been on a full dose of painkillers since Sunday morning.  I see the doc tomorrow- I have plenty of appointments, so they monitor me well.  My guess today will be much better, and I can reduce the painkillers. 

So what made everything angry Saturday night.  Because if I knew what it was, I would apologize.  I don't want to make anything angry.......

Story time- and what I can do....

2nd topic first.  What the heck can I do, what am I filling my days with.  A month ago, really not much.  I was glued to the couch and asking others to get me stuff.  Every day gets better, and on Sunday I will attempt to go to the Bears game.  The radiation did enough to my leg that walking is so much better now.  My guess I will be just fine.  I am playing things cautious, but I think it will be good.  After I get home I will probably lay down, and spend Monday being not the most active one, but time to live life.

Story time..... I guess this is my reflecting on things.

Would you believe I was an underage drinker in college?  Hmmmmm.  Who would have thought? 

On a college break I was home, and with me was my good friend beer, my late brother Ted, next store neighbor Eric, and other friends.  We were outside enjoying the summer, having a few.  For some reason someone brought up offering money to run around the block naked.  I was in college, money was precious, it was probably 2am- who would see.  Maybe the total was $20- who knows. 

My brother Ted and I took off, with it all hanging out.  As we got 1/2 way around the block, brother Ted did the smart thing and hopped the fence, and went back home.  I am thinking, "Yea!!!! he didn't complete the mission, I get all the money".  As I continue on finishing the block proud as I can be, I reach my house and there was my Dad on our front porch greeting me.  I never ran so hard in my life to the back yard, we had a camper set up there, and I slept there.  My friends, nor my brother were no where to be seen.  I never received the money. 

Early that morning I snuck in the house to get clothed.  Our family had breakfast together on occasion and wouldn't you know it,  this was one of them. To his credit, all my father asked me, Timothy, did anything exciting happen last night.  He must have been a proud father at that time.

Time for the copier company- special people

I started this when I was reflecting that my life was certainly better for all the special people I have met over the years.  I started with who I met at work and what a cast of characters, including the person who I have been married to for almost 24 years.  Life is worth it because of the people in your life.  Losing someone/something hurts.  But its such a better ride through life with them in it.  From my cat Fuzz who walked from Wheaton to Elmhurst since he really didn't like Grandpa's house, to my dear Mom, who I could take to a frat party at school and not have to worry that she was entertained.  My life has been around some really special people.  Have I lost some through the years, yes.  But I wouldn't trade the time spent with them. 

The people at Xerox where do I start.  Spending over 10 years full time, I have met a crazy cast of characters.  When I was put in a position of doing more, and helping people, I was able to get to know so many more.  There are 2 Cindy's- one who understands Disney, and one who didn't hesitate to help me out on some personal matters.  I would call the "group", Pedro, Mark, Frank, Dave, Jason, (I may have forgotten someone), who put up with my bad golfing, and introduced me to the Brat Stop on a baseball trip.  There are so many people that I have been able to get to know, and appreciate knowing, this would go on for ever.  But 2 people in particular are worth mentioning.  Remarkably both were on my team when I first started.

Steve-  I was in such a good place.  I sat next to him for a couple years, and to say the least I had fun.  During conference calls I would instant message him telling him things like if he professes his love for  mostaccioli on the conference call I would buy him a Wendy's lunch.  That kind of proves no one really listens on conference calls.

Steve is a very good person and we became friends over the years.  He is the type of person who wont hesitate to do anything for you.  As a co- worker before we became friends, I had a dilemma.  I was going off my seizure medicine, so my driving would be a problem.  He volunteered to take me, changing the church service he would go to.  He did not live close to me.  What a good person.

The other person at Xerox is Tim.  We have done some things out of work.  I was able to meet his lovely wife.  But over the years, you remember the people you can count on for things.  The ride to the airport, the $20 until Tuesday, etc.  He has never shown me nothing other than friendship, showing up at the hospital recently when I was in great "distress".  He is now helping me try to "figure something out".  And what is really weird, he is now my boss over there.  That's fine.  I have no trouble separating that. 

That's enough work people.  Thankfully I am able to keep a job.  Somehow people think I am good enough to hang on to. 

Happy Land

Ok- people who have been around me have heard this term.  I even spoke about this to the management staff at Xerox.  This is where I live.  Huh?

Ok- I have prostate cancer that spread to the bone.  How is that happy.  The realization that without any family history the first test I was even scheduled for was age 50.  There is the other test that is unpleasant for guys, but not the PSA blood test.  My doc tested me for it and caught it.  Fine he caught it- a little late- but on the early end of being a little late.  If I hadn't scheduled that physical- and my doc ordered the blood test, I would have been gone a few years ago.  I had zero symptoms.

My brother got mad at a driver that wasn't paying attention.  Hmmm....we all skip paying attention once in a while, just ask Deanna how I go through my day.  I got on him- because getting upset really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  And in Happy Land, we didn't get into in accident, and everyone was fine.

I finished radiation today.  As I left the area, there was a guy must have been 125 years old being wheeled back to get treated.  His wife was with him- and I would assume his daughter.  Ok- he has cancer, that's why we are all there.  But I left there thinking, darn the guy is lucky to live such a long life with his family by his side.  And the treatments are probably offering him the same pain relief that I have received.  Every radiation beam kills cancer cells- I would call that happy.

I have to relay a story about a flea market in LA.  A mom with kids were in the parking lot and prompted an altercation with 2 others.  Mom was a hot head, said some things, and in turn was stabbed to death by the 2 other people in front of her kids.  Whatever happened in the parking lot wasn't worth getting upset.  And then losing your life in front of your kids?  The way my mind works- I would have given the 2 the space, washed their car, bought them cookies..... 

So my address is on Craig Place in Happy Land.  It is a good place to be because the alternative really isn't worth much.

Fun at Radiation- careful- this post shows skin......

Ok- what the heck is this.  First progress- 7 out of 10 treatments are done, and I take a week off- then I am sure we start the chemo.  So Turkey and chemo- you have to love it.  I guess this one is much easier than the other one, so hopefully I agree with this.

When you get radiation they mark you up- they give you a few pin prick tattoos, and have fun with a markers.  They need to make sure where I am placed on the table to get it the most accurate.  I have stickers on, lines all over, kind of crazy.  So I thought- they can mark me up- see what Deanna can do.  So you are now seeing my belly.  Where is my belly button, the kitty tongue. 

So during radiation they found the kitty.  One nurse was so amused she ran into the other room to grab a camera.  Her comment while I was there, I need to send it to ****, see if she can guess the belly.  I guess I was the first one who actually did this. 

Also there was some music from the 1920's going, and I asked if they had any Marilyn Manson.  I think they think I am pretty odd.

Have fun.

Finishing up the cast of characters- work version

I left off at the financial planning firm- but there has been one job I have held for the last 19 years, while doing Browns, Strategic, and now Xerox.

HR Block- 1995-present- (who knows this year).  I started in one location for 2 years and drove an old guy to retire.  I asked him so many questions.  I found my home in Glendale Heights.  There has been a core group around there for years, most everyone doing it for the main reason, they want to help their clients.  If I have to step away from it this year, that's the one piece I will miss.  It really isn't about the gobs of money that come in our pay checks.  Gobs (?).  So this is my winter family- and when January comes around its like we never left.

Bill- this is one guy who whenever I think I am stepping outside the "norm" he is a good one to check with.  If there is an edge- I want to be on it- but never over it.   Call this bad career move number #39-if I followed Bills career path I would have played plenty of golf, (he has/had his PGA card), give lessons, substitute teach when I want to- and ref school sports.  Jealous- hmmmm.  YES!.  I sit in a cube looking at spreadsheets.  Bill is a great guy.

Araceli, Janice, and Linda- I will group these guys together.  Celi and Linda have been with me from the beginning, Janice was playing big shot at a HR Block special office, until that one closed.  Araceli is a nurse- but still comes back for maybe 30 years now.  I have seen her family grow up.  While only a few conversations during the year, she is a caring person.  Next is Janice.  Janice is Mom.  She is a really good tax pro- but she is Mom.  Moms bake.  In previous posts I have mentioned toll house cookies as my last meal.  Janice brings in a nice substitute.  And Linda.  Linda will know every last one of her clients, their names, kids names, their weights, when they come in to get their taxes done, and what they had for dinner last night.  The fastest thing I have ever seen one day, not a police chase, not a cheetah on Animal Planet, it was Linda leaving one night after she was done.  3 great people.

There is one I wanted to separate, Barb S.  She started about 10 years ago- (damn.... time flies), and she and I worked on Saturdays for a while.  At that time you really get to know someone.   She has given sound advice to improve my "grocery habits", green tea, etc.  For a while she really wanted to be Mom- so she didn't work much- or at all.  Shame on me- Mom's work- she didn't work at HR Block.  In her first year she had a pilot as a client, what a beautiful job she did with him.  You see the work- Barb wanted to do well.  If I don't come back, my clients would be in great hands with Barb- but one problem, shes still Mom.

There have been others at Block- too numerous to name.  But these 5 will stick with me.  And god willing, I am back doing this, I look forward to the day that I can eat Janice's cookies on a Saturday morning.  Only one job left- not bad for an older fart like me. 

Pain

I will get back to highlighting special people I have met in my life, but back to the cancer......

I am on the 4th out of 10 sessions of radiation.  This will allow things that are on the bone to get zapped, and after its complete the bone can hopefully take over again.  They are doing 3 spots, and radiation in itself isn't bad.  Below my right knee I had one spot that showed bright and shiny on the bone scan- we are zapping that.  The main reason to do this is to get my hip- so no fractures....but getting back to my knee.

I have a friend Steve who really wanted to do something nice for me.  So he picked up 2 tickets for the Bears Packers in Green Bay.  I mentioned to him early on that my going would be sketchy at best, he said not to worry, if I cant go, he has plenty of others who are interested.  Bears Packers- sure there may be a tiny bit of interest.  So Tuesday was my test.  Deanna was with me for the radiation, and I had a follow-up doc apt about 3 hours later.  So since we were zoo members, we went.  I used this as the test if I can do the walking necessary to go to the game.  I failed the test.  Sure I did the walking but I spent the next 1.5 days in bed with pain- and this is while taking the narcotic pain killers.

Tim- meet cancer pain.  This is not a guy you want to meet.  The spot on my knee was the problem.  Here is what cancer pain feels like- (every cancer is different)- imagine being hit in the knee with a hammer really hard, but you didn't feel the impact, you just felt the after effects.  And the after effects lasted hours.  So if any one reading this sees someone who has the same pain, you now know what they are feeling.  I am sure there are heavier pain killers, etc.

The good news is, after bed rest it feels so much better.  I decreased the pain killers in 1/2.  And hopefully can greatly reduce them moving forward when the radiation is done. 

More Characters- Monday the fun begins

I go in today for a "practice run" of radiation, and then I go in Monday at noon for 10 sessions.  There are 3 spots that are causing me pain- and this will get rid of those.  Then after that, on to chemo.

So a continuation of the special people I have met- and this part is through work.  After college I had to find some job to pay the bills so in 1989 I started fast food management.  Thank god I am not doing that any more, but...

Browns Chicken and Pasta- 1989-2003- (full time till 1998).  I worked at so many stores, and met so many people. I became close to a bunch of people, but most as a manager associate relationship.  There were happy times there, I ran the busiest store in the company, one of the most respected managers,  and my turnover was really low.  People thought I was a good to work for.  I tried to have fun.  But the one special person who mentored me there was a supervisor, George Rossi.  He told me I was too smart for everything going on at Brown's.  One time we talked at  length, more long term career moves, and he advised me to leave.  I respect that to this day. 

Strategic Financial Advisory.  1998-2003.  Wow- I went from chicken to finances.  Big secret, really didn't know what I was doing when I made the jump.  I went from a kitchen to an office.  And as the time went on, I needed help.  They filed everything, and I had a hard time keeping up with that, and the normal work.  So I was allowed to hire someone to help file.  So here comes this 18 year old girl who threw me a lifeline.  This was part of her work study program, and I got a call from the teacher stating how good Kathy was.  He wasn't kidding.  My boss at Strategic wanted to get rid of her a few times....but she is still there.  She basically runs the place.  She even was given a Rolex to celebrate a work anniversary.  So she can work, but when I needed help, she was there.  Many instances, from one time I was a couple hundred short on my mortgage, she leant me money for a few days.  For a while I couldn't drive to work, and Kathy, and her friend made sure I got there for over 3 months.  Kathy is a special person, and we still keep in touch. 

I still have a few jobs to go, but I think its nice to highlight my life's cast of characters. 

Cast of Characters

I went out to dinner last night with someone who I would call a very good person.  Wonderful dinner, much appreciated.  And this had me thinking, I am very lucky to have these people in my life, who care, who are friends. 

This blog is mainly to communicate on how I am doing, and what roadblocks I am coming up against.  But I am in a holding pattern right now, waiting for the radiation to start, and pretty much feeling better every day, doing more every day, that there is not much news on that front.  Do I feel good- no.  Am I feeling better every day, yes.  In a few posts I am going to highlight some of the people who have come into my life, and who have been important to me.  Lets start with people I met at work.

Elms Snack Shop- Elmhurst.  I worked there from 14 years old, to a freshman in college.  The family who owned it helped mold who I am today.  Ted and Mary Flessor were the couple who owned it, and Tom was there son who I became good friends with.  I learned my work ethic from them, Tom made sure I went to my share of sporting events.  I was in high school, so did I get in trouble at times, sure.  Did my dad dislike the family- sure- that's what dads do.  I remember one time when I was at a Blackhawks play off game.  The game went into overtime, then double overtime.  It was so much fun, and it was a school night, so it was even better.  I must have come home after 1AM and my dad was convinced I was up to no good with Tom.  I kept explaining the game went late.  I couldn't prove it, and the next morning my dad apologized.   What a special family, and I am lucky they were there when I needed them.  I do need to stop by there house to say hello.

Scarlett Tavern, Western Illinois University.  I worked there for 3 years in college.  In my second year down there, (I think), there was this girl who just got hired.  This one kind of amused me.  I did things like throw ice at the bug zapper to see the roaches fall out, I am sure she joined me, but not sure at this time.  Something about her caught my eye.  So my buddy asked me why I was working.  My response was because she wouldn't go out with me.  Well, she did- and 29 years later, she is painting her toe nails upstairs, (she just got done with mine.......wouldn't that be a trick).   We have been through lots.  She has seen me with breathing tubes for days, brain surgery, 3 cancers, and she still hasn't smothered me with a pillow.  At some point Deanna will have enough, find a pool boy named Hector, move away and raise rabbits.  So I better behave, and leave Hector out of the equation. 

Those are only 2 jobs, I have more, but that I will leave for another day.

Ok- I am passing along something received in an email.

No- I didn't come up with this myself, but it hits home.   Happy Sunday!

SURPRISE!!!

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:  Each morning, your bank would deposit $86,400 in your personal account.  But this prize has rules:  Everything that you don’t spend each day will be taken away from you.  You must spend it all, and the bank can end the game at any time by closing the account.

​What would you do?  You would probably buy everything you wanted, right?  Not only for yourself but for all the people you care about, even for people you didn’t know, because how could you spend it all on yourself, right?  You would try to spend every penny because then you knew it would be replenished in the morning right?

​Actually, this game is real!  And each of us is already a winner of this prize but we just can’t see it.  Why?  The prize is Time!  Each morning, we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift from life, and when we go to sleep at night, what we haven’t used up that day is forever lost, and yesterday is forever gone.  Each morning, the account is refilled, but your account can be dissolved at any time without warning! … So, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds, which are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

​Think about – be happy, love deeply and enjoy every second, because time races by much quicker than you think.  Here’s wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.  Start “spending!”

Could have been worse?

Every cancer is different.  Each person is different.  If you ask many people they would say I was quite different....but that being said.

I have had cancer in the bone for over 5 years.  That's where prostate cancer likes to travel, set up shop, and build there community.  And when it starts building the shopping malls, swimming pools, and transportation hubs, the person is in a deep load of trouble.  I knew of a couple spots and I knew they weren't really getting better since the last treatment didn't do anything, and scans showed disease progression.  I told my doc, I really need to focus on enjoying life and not concentrating on how extensive the bone stuff was.  I have seen pics of people with it all over there bodies and spine, and skulls.  I know that's the direction I guess, but I put it out of my mind.  I saw my pic at the radiation oncologist, and I had 6 spots that could be seen.  They are going to zap 3 of them.  The concerning one is in the hip which is weight bearing.  Don't want that to break.  And I expressed to the doc since we are doing the hip- lets go after a couple more.  Its 10 sessions, over a 2 week period of time.  He agreed.  I like the guy.

At the beginning of the appointment with the radiation guy, since Loyola is a teaching hospital, the resident came in.  He asked me if I knew why I was there.  (inside voice- what kind of stupid question is that), but I went with my outside voice and said, I want to become a chick, I will be a really ugly one, but that is still my goal.  He stopped......looked at me, and then I answered him for real.  I think the answer shook him up some.  And he actually went to tell the doc- hey I got the best answer to......

I titled this could have been worse....because nothing on this is good news......  I got the last PSA back, and the rise is slowing down for some reason.  I am not being treated and the rise was like a rocket ship going to the moon.  So imagine a big spike up- and then a right turn on a graph.  So the progression is slowing down, even without treatment.  And hopefully when treatment starts we see good results.  My guess is the elimination of stress of working is helping a great deal. 

So Monday I go for imaging, so they can set up where to zap me.  Then 2 weeks of zapping, and chemo begins.  I guess its better than the alternative.

You just have to laugh

Since the chemo really didn't work or do anything I have not been treated for the prostate cancer since June 30.  If you are scoring at home that's a long time.  One delay was trying to take biopsy's of
my lymph node and see what kind of cancer it really was.  Then one delay was me having my heart filled with fluid.  Then on Tue I am thinking I will finally be treated- 2nd round chemo.

Well no.....  One job I had- (it will be a miracle for me to be back there) was preparing taxes at HR Block.  I have a large number of clients, and you get to know who they are and what they have.  They give you papers to give you more clues of what they have been up to this year.  And finally at the end I may get someone mentioning something important as we finish.  Ahhhhhh!  I tell them its a partnership, we both are in it together, and anything at all they need to mention.  I take this attitude with seeing my docs.

With my doc at Loyola she was ready to send me to chemo, and I asked her about the upcoming radiation, what to expect.  This plan was over a month ago prior to me having my heart do its thing.  She looked at the notes, fully understood, and said the chemo would have to wait.  They cant give the 2 together, it could give a skin reaction.  I asked, get rid of wrinkles, and make me look beautiful?  She said no- laughed and called me a good person. 

So we see the radiation guy today.  It will be a short course (10 sessions?)  And then the chemo can start.  I am grateful for the support around me and I cant imagine anyone putting up with this stuff by themselves.

Meet Samantha

This is a dog we adopted in July.  She was from the Naperville Humane Society.  At the time Deanna and I were both working and had a couple hours to look for a dog.  Went to Naperville, saw crazy dog after crazy dog.  And as we were about to leave, one cage had the dog in the outside run- we called for it, it was Sam, and we thought, lets take her for a walk. 

As we did, very well behaved, good manners, and Deanna said lets stop and talk.  We sat on the grass, and Sam put her head on Deannas leg.  That did it.  I have been accused of only going to one place to buy a car, a dog too?  We hit the jackpot.  The dog is 8 years old, (i think), and acts like a puppy.  Never a mess in the house, and loves to go out for walks.  She is Deannas dog- very attentive.  She knows I am home, but Oh my god when Deanna comes home, Pow- things snap, the planets align, the world is ok again.  I put her in the car to pick up Deanna from work- the dog hugged her in the car. 

I have been kind of zapped, and have been taking a break from walking her, but this week- i will try to resume.  It will be good for me.

So- so you want a 9 month old pit bull puppy, or an 8 year old dog.  Consider adopting an older dog. 

Its Saturday- I think, or a better title, Tim sings Swami River....

Well I know- but the not working thing makes that a question that I have to figure out sometimes.....

I am feeling better every day- getting my life back.  After laying in a bed for 10 days you cant immediately start running around.  So I have been taking the baby steps, and Thursday I think I overdid it- I was sore on Friday.  But I need to get my legs back.  Other than that- sleeping is better, not great.....but shoot....I can take a nap!!!!  Now reflections from the hospital.....

I just looked and Loyola is nationally ranked, (3rd in Chicago, around 50 in US) for cancer care.  So I am in a good place.  My 10 days that I was a "resident" of the ranked hospital, 85% of my care was wonderful.....but then the following.

• I was stuck in the ER overnight they didn't have a room for me.  The Loyola ER is not a good place to be.  Way too much activity to sleep, and not a comfortable place to be. 
• Numerous times they would arrive to take me to this test or that test- and I had no idea I was getting the test in the first place.  I made sure they stopped, fully explained, so I can understand what was going on with me. 
• At the same time that they were trying to figure out if they put me in an ICU room, or regular, they took me for one test downstairs later at night.  Its quiet down there.  Test was good, and the lady administering the test said, we are done, I don't have towels to wipe you up (ultrasound), and transport will come along shortly.  Ok.....I wiped up with my gown, and waited.  They had one clock in the room so I knew when the test was over.  And I waited.  30 minutes later after not being checked on and the room was dark- couldn't hear anything around, I started to make strange noises.  It amused me.  See if I could get anyone's attention.  Nope.  Then around the 40 minute mark I belted out Swami River really loud.  I cant sing that well, and boy that was code red down there.  I had immediate attention, and was transported shortly after that. 
• The food- they have "room service".  So I can have whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  Sounds good, but toward the end I was trying to get as much things that are prepackaged, they cant ruin....I didn't know anyone can ruin eggs.  I had lots of fruit plates.  But I did lose weight in there. 

Here is a tip for anyone, speak your mind- if something isn't right, ask for it to be improved.  Temperature of the room, the bed, (yes, the last 5 days I had a special air bed).  Being in there is hell- so don't be afraid to ask for things to make your visit better.

And one hit for nursing staffs.  If I have tubes down my throat to help me breathe, but I am awake, and you need me to slow down my breathing....don't keep yelling at me slow down my breathing.  When the first yell didn't work- stop, regroup, and help the patient through it.  Have to admit- it was the first time in that situation.  If she calmly explained what was going on, I could have figured out what I am supposed to do.

This was a long post.  Congratulations to anyone finishing this one.

Whats next

Wow- I started October in a horrible way.  I am not home a week, the sleep is better, but the Tim before freaked out because I was up at 4am, since I had to work.  The Tim now- shoot I can just take a nap later on during the day.  That's an adjustment for sure. 

I start 2nd line chemo next Tuesday so at least something is being done to help the prostate cancer again.  The vast majority benefit from this therapy,  and lets hope I am in this club.  My doc think this is the best way and the right time.  This chemo I guess is easier than the last one so good!.  I will start radiation next week too to shrink some spots.  So time to enjoy before I get beat up again next Tuesday.  Here's hoping that this will be an easy stretch. 

I was at the doc yesterday and weighed in and I am 30 pounds less than I was since June 30.  Thats  good for me, and will help in other ways.  And most importantly it is explained weight loss.  The food at Loyola was horrible.....they had a menu, on it was an omelet.  Why not, how can they screw up an omelet.  Whatever they fried it in had such a stench that the dish looked good, but wow!!!  The next day Deanna brought me in a Wendy's Chicken Sandwich, and I am not crazy, it was just bad food. 

My mind is getting better.  I am doing more normal things.  Deanna and I saw a movie Monday.  I didn't know how I would do, and its apparent, time to start living life again. 

Ok- what will I do on my time off- at some point toll house cookies are going to come into play.  People go on an alcoholic bender- (cant do that anymore), so I am going to go on a chocolate cookie bender.  Hopefully not to the point that Deanna finds me in a corner, foaming at the mouth.  Then I guess I will have to find a 12 step program for tollhouse.

Happy Day

When is it time to say goodbye to dad?

A question we all face,  Dad was the general....we don't want him to go.  I was with Dad as a roommate in icu. It sounded as dad had much of what I had.  He needed things with the heart and he  was being treated for prostate cancer.  Dad has plenty of family and the Loyola staff gathered everyone together prior to 2 different procedures.  No doubt to say goodbye if he didn't make it.  Dad wasn't resoponsive that day.  I know the procedures are hard and I am 30 years younger.  I moved out of ICU before I knew what happened to dad...I wish nothing but the best for dad.

At what point do you stop?

I am home

3 surgeries, 4 different rooms, I trip to the ICU.  That's enough.

Surgeries heart 2, first one is to drain heart of fluid, I had an extra Gatorade bottle in there....they hoped that will solve.  It didn't.  Then they cut a flap in there so it can drain within my body... That seems to have worked...but time will certainly tell.

Ok what is the other surgery.....they played around with my lymph nodes to better understand the characteristics of the cancer.  That one was easy but to go to surgery again....ouch.

Its sunday morning and I believe they fixed what was broken.  The biggest side effect for the prosate cancer treatment are cardiac events.  Now that I have had mine...hopefully I am done for a while.  My attitude is good I can't move around a lot but hopefully that improves.

still in hospital...catch up time

Forgive punctuation and spelling.  I am on my friends tablet.

Prior to the indy trip I has the attitude if I dont feel well.  Blame it on the chemotherapy.   I was certainly slowing down.  But how hard could it be...deanna drives.

Weekend was ok...rested for concert and when I got up lots of pain around the chest area.  Confident it wasnt a heart attack we went in. I sat fot most of it but stood for some...it was a fun show.  Layed around hotel room until we left mon.  I con the acted my doc mon morn.

Appt with doc tue morn...on the way out I was to get a ct scan.  Well at that time they found fluid around the heart so my doc sent me to the er.  And I have been at loyola ever since....I have surgery today to help the paracardium drain on its own.  That is the key to leaving.

7 days in the hospital is tourture.  The most important thing is I am feeling better,  this all should do what it should...

I will try to update if needed while I am still here.  If no upates no news is good news...

Short post

I may be able to come home tomorrow.   Will type lots more tomorrow if that happens

This may be in parts.....

First many thanks to buddy scott for the last update.

Yup I am at loyola and they are trying to fix me.  I had one heck of a crisis sat and that ended me here.  I can already tell that I will feel better when I get out of here.

I am pretty dumb.  I am watching the movie ghost..Watch a movie about death in the cancer floor of the hospital.   Nice job tim....I am pretty dumb.

Here is another update.  Went to see the concert.
Well not feeling so well.  Breathing was difficult.
I went to the hospital yesterday.  There is fluid around the
heart and lungs.  Doctors are trying to find the cause. More information tomorrow.