To all

     I wish this was better news, but it's not.
The one thing that I promised is that this would be sharing news good or bad.
Family members will be taking this over from now on. 
It is apparent that I am bedridden and I am not going to be able to keep this up.
Weather my time on this earth is very short or longer then that, sharing this time with each of you has been a special blessing and I appreciate that the most. 

I have been married for 24 years and together for 28 years (I sure hope my math is right on that one) to my beloved wife Deanna. 

The hardest things in this whole process is saying goodbye. 

To all
Thank You

its been a whlle

Some random notes...that's all I can do.

• 3 days ago Deanna thought she lost me. My life is kind of different.  
• I have received some  visits from a St Louis friend and family from Key West.  The visits are wonderful.  I appreciate the effort of the visits.
• People are bringing food which helps.  
• Deanna's work has   been great in their flexibility.
• I wonder if there is any good blue stuffing?
• If you don't hear from me often here often on this something is wrong.

I will update More often as I can. Thanks to all.

I am on ok

I am finally doing better since I am posting.  Look for more tomorrow or  the next day.  Thank you for all  the patience.

Hospice

I am now in home hospice care listening to my dog bark...protecting me of all the other dogs moving down the sidewalk.  I am laying in a hospital bed they brought over. Out of necessity.,. No.  Comfort yes.  And heck it was free.

I was able to talk with my sister the other day.  That was nice. She should be someone to look up to with anyone with cancer.  She and I both are missing something on our DNA which is a cancer syndrome.  I am sure if I knew the number of chemo cycles she has had it would make my jaw drop.  Hers began pre 2003?

Deanna's taking a vacation right after valentines day.  I am very happy for her, she needs a break.  We both need to take a deep breath.

To describe hospice its all about pain management and comfort.  To that end FedEx came yesterday to deliver a package.  Cookies?  Cake?  Nope some wickid meds they call a comfort pack.  A doc has to approve the opening upon a nurse request.  Now its in the fridge by some veggies.

My mind is good.  Happy Saturday.

How do I top the last post?

My mind is numb.  I know what was told to me and I understand the ramifications of what was told to me.  We are at a point where they are looking for more things, we cant just say, hey lets give him this heavy drug with these hard side effects where possibly he can  have a  month or 2 of what kind of quality of life.  There is one thing I am hoping to get an answer tomorrow which will allow the possibility of something working for a while.  That one I will embrace.  But my main goal moving forward is to wake up and have a good day.  And the next day have another good day.  And make sure I do this without pain and as comfortable as possible.  If the 2nd chemo worked, I am sure I would be back at work doing my thing, but that is just not the case.  I will miss the HR Block clients, my co-workers, and all of the wonderful people I have met at Xerox.

So the news wont change much.....figure on a daily basis I will get a little more knocked down.  My ability to do much of anything is limited.  Today and recently its vastly improved, but its not to where it was 3 months ago. 

The blog will continue.  I will hold nothing back.  I am a dying man.  But on the other hand, I am a man who is very much alive who still has a really good attitude.  There will be posts of reflections, some fun posts, some wishes, etc.  I am going to have some fun with it.  An example, I had a mole.  I plucked a hair out of it, (now that's appealing).  During a HR Block Class I could either listen to someone talk about deductions or study my hair.  That darn hair was the strongest thing on my body.  Now why was that.  Thick, good root structure.....this could be used as the newest weld or something.  As the mind kept going, I was asked a question.  Oops....but I still wonder about that.  If I had hair that strong on top of my head, I would be long gone, but my hair will still be there....

Ok- time to turn off that topic.  I appreciate all who are sticking with me and hope to see most of you soon.   My abilities sometimes don't equal my hopes.

I am at the end of my book

Saw the doc yesterday and that was basically told to me.  The treatments that are open to me I have either failed or I am not eligible.  I haven't given up nor do I think this doc is wrong.  She is in the camp of quality of life.  Good camp.

I had a blood transfusion yesterday.... Those aren't nice but it should make me feel better.  More later...I am doing on tablet and Deanna just woke up.

Sitting in front of the compter- baby steps

Ok- this one was much harder than it should have been.  I have been home, not doing much.  For the most part my day consisted of going from the couch to going to bed to going to the couch, etc.  I was just trying to find a place to get comfortable.  This occurred after the radiation.

I was on a schedule of meds after New Years Day to help with the pain in the hip. During "post radiation" days corresponding to  Deanna's day offs, I had a couple of instances where the pain was just so intense, or I just had a hard time getting out of a chair.  Deanna contacted the doc, and now I am on an extended release Morphine.  This seems to be doing what it needs to be doing, sleeping better and rarely I have pain that the meds aren't helping with.  That got old really quick.   That's the importance of help.  If anyone thinks they can do this alone, they cant.  Because of Deanna we got the stronger meds, and my days are better.

The doc is tomorrow, and this could go in 100 different directions.  I am grateful that she is so free with her appointments.  This appointment is 1 week earlier than originally scheduled.  This one we will discuss further treatment plans, I am sure review my pain management stuff, and other things. 

So what are baby steps.  Standing up and sitting in front of the computer for a little while.  Kind of different than my recliner.  I am going to try to get out today, the more I do the more I will be able to do.  But I cant think for a minute that I can start over going 100 miles an hour.  The radiation side effects this time really got me.  But hopefully this week will be a nice steady recovery. 

Hopefully I can get back to living my life again quickly.  Thanks to all who have been keeping up with this.