Happy Birthday to Me- 51 (Yesterday)

Making another year- shoot I will take that.  That's happy.

Happy Birthday to Brother Steve today.  He is 10 years older.  Which makes me reflect.  Our family had quite a week from the 24th to Jan 1st.  Here is what I mean, and just some fond memories for each day.

December 24th.  (Early years)  Grandma and Grandpa Kitty would come over and provide a gift on Christmas Eve.  I was young- and I just remember getting my first Mr. Potato Head.  Life was simpler at that time.  (Later years)  Family dinner at our home, bless my mom.  She really tried to make it all special.  She found a recipe for Swans (a big chicken breast with shrimp for the head, and quite honestly I forgot what the tail was).  That was the tradition for at least 5 years.

December 25th.  I grew up in a large house, and we had to sit on the steps going down stairs singing Christmas carols until everyone was awake, and then we opened packages.  I do remember one year my brother Jim and I probably woke up at 5AM- and the singing wasn't well received.  We had a large living room- and a large tree.  Very fond memories growing up.  But we weren't done.  We had to drag ourselves away from all the new gifts to Grandma and Grandpa Carlson's house.  That was a big group of 30+.  We all got a gift from Chippy Santa.  (Who?)  Chippy was the dog. 

December 26th.  Grandma and Grandpa Kitty's anniversary.  I only mention this since this day confused me.  My parents had a ton of people at my house for a anniversary party, but shoot it was my birthday the next day.  We were told to stay upstairs, but not me.  I went down convinced it had to be something about my birthday said hi to everyone in my pajamas.  Wrong move.  Oooops. 

December 27th.  Happy Birthday to me.  I give my parents a ton of credit.  All these days of get together, they still invited a big group to our house for a birthday party.  This I split with brother Steve when he was in town.  My moms favorite activity was burning the garlic bread, since she was pretty lit up at the time with my aunt Karen Nelson.  Too many fond memories, but one sticks out.  Grandma Kitty found me useful on my 21st birthday.  She had one more person to buy her some bourbon.  She gave me a birthday card with $100 in it, said that it will buy lots of beer.  With my eyes lit up- she added bourbon on the trip to the store.  Glad to do it.  She had one drink during wheel of fortune, and I think Golden Girls deserved one as well.

December 28th.  Happy Birthday to Brother Steve.  It was a treat to have him home during this time.  It didn't always happen, but when it did it was sure nice.

December 29-30-  Would you believe nothing?  I guess all families need a rest. 

December 31st.  Here goes my mom again.  She really did try to make things special.  For a few years she just cooked appetizers, (my first discovery of tiny hotdogs), we filled up on those and went to a movie.  One most memorable was Snow White at the Lombard Du Page theatre.  Why is that.  I enjoyed the show, but brother Jim got too involved in everything that he started throwing up.  Again my Mom was a saint.

Have a wonderful year ahead.

Merry Christmas- Where do I begin

Call these random thoughts by Tim

• I am back at Xerox.  Wow- that's something.  I had a conversation with my Doctor Gaynor and we were at a cross roads.  Xerox required that a "check up" period was needed to confirm the status of my disability.  That meant more medical from the doc.  But I asked her, based on my condition now, and your history with guys at this stage of the disease, would you go back to work.  She said she would think that it would be a good idea.  And on Christmas Eve was my first day back.  I can see what she meant.  I was out of the house, and almost forced to do more.  Forced to "exercise".  My recliner in my basement got too comfortable.   Xerox is changing my role, and I will have less responsibility than I had before.  They are very interested in me coming back and staying back.
• People ask how I am feeling, and it will never be a 10 out of 10, but its above a 5 which is good.  Because I am back to work doesn't mean life is good again.  All it means is I am taking one step to help myself.  If going back to Xerox doesn't pan out for the long run, I will use some time to volunteer somewhere.  I am blessed with being at Xerox with a very generous disability policy. 
• I am on the 2nd round of chemo and the 9th day removed.  So I should feel pretty darn good for a while, and I can say that I do.
• Walking is still going to be a "adventure".  While I can get around just fine, the longer walks I will need to skip.  Possibly all the time in the basement, but I am thinking the cancer.  I wish it was the basement.
• Jim, friend Scott, Deanna and I are going out for lunch.  Food is good, especially when you don't have to cook it.  This way we have the night for whatever, and if it means we take naps, we take naps.  If it means we go do something, that's fine too.  Far from the days of going to my Grandma Carlson's house with 40 people for dinner.

Merry Christmas to everyone.  Some will read this today, some maybe in June.  I appreciate the concern and hanging in there with me.

Is no news good news?

Since the beginning of this I have used this as a tool for personal reflection, and to report how the heck is Tim doing.   Here are the rules:

• You should hear something from me approx. every third day.  This has turned out to be a fun exercise for me to type.
• I am not holding back on any news.  So if you have the link to see this, it is my intention to share.
• If you care to share the link with someone else, that is fine with me. 
• This platform just makes it so much easier to let people know who are concerned about me be kept up to date without the need for individual emails- etc.

So what happens if you don't hear from me for a while:

• Something is wrong.  If I can not personally update this thing I will make sure this gets updated with any latest news within 1 week.

So some of the posts will be really short- on my tablet- others will be longer with Random thoughts by Tim. 

The last few days have been hard.  I had the chemo on Tuesday and finally today I am getting back to normal.  Which is weird.  The last cycle of chemo was a piece of cake- and I felt fine.  Who knows.

More happy stuff to come.

This one is from bed....Happy tablet

Did I tell you cancer stinks.

Lets start the story 8 days ago.  Oh my lord I was feeling awesome.  And this was the case for a while. No need form painkillers or anything else.   Now let's move the timeline to 10pm Dec 12.  Oh my lord, I played the game Tim meet cancer pain.  Brother Jim helped on Saturday.  I was making very bad noises.  This is something no one needs to hear. Speaking of someone not needing to hear something...friend Scott got to experience bad Tim since brother Jim had to pick up more painkillers.

After 2 days in bed,  I was up for about 8 hours.  I will be going downstairs soon....or take a nap.  Chemo tomorrow.

24 Years- How Tim Got married.

Wow- So I met this girl in 1986 November, and in 1988 she finally had enough.  She finally said, when are we getting married.  Because we decided on that step much earlier.  At that time in my life I didn't have money, just out of college, starting a new job as a co-manager at Browns Chicken and Pasta.  But darn it, she didn't want a 30 year engagement, lets get er done.  So we opened a credit card account at Marshall Fields, they gave us a $500 limit and bought a ring.  She's a trouper, she wore that ring you could barely see for years until we were able to upgrade with something else.

So how in the heck do you get married?  Lets call the Rolling Meadows Court House and ask.  It was easy as ordering a pizza.  They told me to get the licenses a few days before, and then asked me when I would like to come in.  My chance, I can decide on an easy date and never forget it.  12/12/1990.  So I hung up the phone and my mind was blown.  What the heck did I just do?  Because of a long story her parents were not told, but I did let my mom know. And that group swelled to about 15. 

So that morning prior to going, lets go to Portillos.  That's romance at its finest.  We arrived at the court house and I needed $12 for something.  Not sure what and I didn't have it.  Brother Steve to the rescue.  But Steve wasn't done there.  He as an attorney brought some whiskey with him and we did a shot of whiskey in the bathroom.  Attorneys don't get searched.   Not sure what would be next, we went into a court room and a gem of a person, Judge Cahill performed a memorable ceremony.  With that we were done. 

Back to my moms for some cake.  They set up a nice table for us.  And then we were off to another party?  You see it was my Grandma Carlson's Birthday.  It was her day, not ours.  So we waited until the end to announce everything,  and had some champagne. 

So I have been with this girl for over 29 years.  It has been one heck of a journey.  Her jobs ranged from picking up dog poop at Save-a-Pet to Tiffany and Company Sales.  I went from French fries at Browns Chicken, to doing financial work at Xerox.  Oh- the 20 years of doing taxes.......  We have traveled our share, which is a blessing.  I think I have been to Hawaii 5 different times. 

The true blessing in my life is to have met her, someone to share my life with.  The person who I am happy to see when she walks in the door.  The person who talked me off the edge when I lost all my composure while hiking in the woods at Mammoth Cave long after dark. Somehow she got us back to the car by the moonlight.  Deanna has met every person in my family, most have past on.  From Grandma Ebert who had enough of brother Ted, Jim, and myself, but walked hand in hand with Deanna.  To my Grandma Kitty who was receiving hospice care and when we came back from our ceremony, we woke her up to tell her, she smiled and said that's nice.  Grandma Kitty really liked Deanna and their mutual love of animals.  My dad scared her, she did eat her squash at the dinner table, that was a first.  To my mom who was there at her Student Art Show at WIU.  My mom was genuinely proud of her.  Me- not so much, but Deanna, yes.

I would love to think I will grow old with her, but sadly that is not going to happen.  And for that I feel really cheated.  But for me in Happy Land, look what I have, its what most people don't ever get to experience.  So I cant feel cheated, I have to feel lucky.  Lucky that I have met her, lucky that she stands by me, puts up with all my nonsense, and takes care of me.  Thank you Deanna. 

Life and times of a guy with cancer

This last weekend I felt wonderful, able to walk the dog, truly back to normal.  On Monday I had to go in for some scans.  So Dear Diary- here is what happened Monday.

1:45 prior start drinking one jar of barium.  This lovely task started at 8:45 AM for the scan at 10:30.  This is the CT scan.  So on the way, I didn't have coffee in my glass in the car- it was barium.  Arrive at Loyola at 9:15 for an injection where I had to go to nuclear medicine to get.  No problem, becoming an expert on where everything is, I received the injection of a radioactive tracer at 9:30- then I come back for a scan at 12:45.  I have to have enough time to light up for the scan.  This one was the bone scan. 

Ok- Back to the CT scan.  One container of barium isn't enough for these guys, they give you another to sip down 45 minutes prior to the test.  So start the ct scan at 10:30 with another injection.  This one makes my body feel really warm and at times wants me to throw up.  That test was quick, and now its time for Tim to get lost for 2 hours for the bone scan.  Having a sandwich killed 15 minutes- so it was back to the car and drive.  I ended up going to Target, picked up some things, and back to get scanned. 

The Bone Scan you lay down on a little table which isn't comfortable for about an hour.  When they figured that I was done, (I am never done, they always want more shots), I asked the lady, please let me sit up.  This whole process is hell.  And when the time is right I will lie back down and pose however they wanted.  Funny thing happened, they said I could go, they didn't need extra pictures.

So on the way home I felt off- because of all the drugs in me.  It hit me Tue and Wed- which is longer than normal of the "inflamed body parts".  While I could have functioned normally those 2 days, I spent lots of time in bed.  I think the word still here is cumulative.  Prior to Monday I was finally at a level where the body was feeling awesome.  But the scans on Monday have seemed to set me back.  It seems to be better today and I can have a nice and productive day. 

Happy Peal Harbor Day- or Sunday.

One thing I have learned about myself.  I don't realize how bad I feel when I am feeling that way.  Sure I feel the aches and pains, and find myself zapped of energy but I go on with my day dealing with things. 

A couple of examples:  Early November if I took a bath, (ok we have a nice tub), getting up from the tub was a challenge.  Yesterday I just popped up out of there.  Early November the shopping I did was at Walgreens, less walking, and easier.  Yesterday I went to Wal-Mart.  This is something I haven't done in a long while.  I walked all around the store and was fine.  I even was awake when Deanna got home last night and took her to a Chinese restaurant (9pm).  Earlier in the month I was sleeping by 9pm.  So something is helping me, and I am enjoying each day like this. 

It will be my 24th wedding anniversary on Friday.  Because of her work schedule we will do something on her day off Wednesday.  Lets hope Tim's body cooperates this time.  On our 20th anniversary, we sat at dinner at Harry Carry's, with a room upstairs at the Westin.  So what did I decide to do, faint during dinner, get taken away by ambulance.  They wanted to keep me in the hospital, but I had a wonderful room at the Westin.  The one and only time I did something against medical advice.  We went back to the room, had McDonalds, and ended a horrible night.  Great room, great beds, but really disappointed. 

Each day I feel like this is a gift.  I know I am on a roller coaster.  But for everyone reading this, every day for each of us is a gift.  Fine we have to do some cruddy things some times, like clean the house and maybe spend an extra long day at work, but think of the alternative.  Think about the kid that I see getting chemo.  Think about the people in your own lives and family's having to deal with a loved one going through something like  this.

I guess my next task is what to get her for the 24th.  I know there is a list, there is a golden anniversary, silver, but I think I know.  The 24th anniversary is Bourbon.  That will help her deal with me and all the crap that goes along with it.  Time to Google Bourbon gift baskets.

PSA and this isnt Public Service Announcement



 

PSA Results

 

The decrease is nice to say the least.  And now that I am again being treated for the cancer, hopefully this continues.  A few notes:

• Last year November was the start of one medication which was easy to take and that lasted a while. 
• From July 1-Sept 9 I was undergoing a chemo that just didn't work.  That was stopped.
• In October I took a 10 day all expense paid trip to the hotel Loyola Hospital.  No prostate cancer treatment during my stay.  You will notice a great increase.  From there its just a bad math exercise.  But you will notice the velocity of the increase slowed down.   I am guessing the slow down was helped by the weight I have lost.
• And you see the line pointed down.  I am getting treatment, and hopefully this continues.

This is something I am not going to beat.  I know this.  But the goal is to keep this number at bay for as long as possible.  What's a normal level you may ask, you see the green line at the bottom of the chart. 

I will continue to be as educated as I can be at this.  For example there is a test that I can take, and if its a match there is a phase 2 clinical trial drug that can knock this senseless.  So that's a conversation I will have with someone who is listed as one of Chicago's top doctors.  This was a suggestion from someone who won a national award for Prostate cancer mentorship.  This is through an online support group.  If I went to a support group in person, I would be the youngest one there, and shortly after going, find a bridge and jump. 

So time to enjoy today, and when tomorrow happens I am going to enjoy the heck out of that.  Every day is a gift.

Another Bear Game Bites the Dust- Story Time (a good one)

Wow- One week post chemo and I just cant guarantee that I can last 8 hours with the walking, etc.  Not fair.  But if the chemo is doing what it should....that's fair.  I was able to sell the tickets, not for a profit, but I was able to sell at the last minute. 

Story Time:  When I had brain surgery in 2002 prior to them telling me to breathe deeply and go to sleep....I thought if I wake up from this I need to take her to Hawaii.  That is where the mind goes, not gee I would like to work more, but time to have a great experience.  Darn, I woke up from the thing....this was October- now lets play with the time machine to February. 

In February while doing taxes for Deanna's manager I posed the question.  I would love to surprise her with a trip- I put her through to much crap.  Lisa's eyes lit up and asked what I was thinking.  I told her, and asked if she could help make this happen, her basic comment was hell yes.  Lisa did the work schedule.  She said she could dummy it up so Deanna would think she is only off for a couple days.  Time to call the travel agent.  She sent me a dummy itinerary to Vegas, and the real one she sent to work.  So time for the time machine.....end of April.

I got done with taxes, and I apologetically told her, since we are only going to Vegas, how about going up to Milwaukee for the weekend, off we went.  As we were in the Art Museum, all I thought, we are going to Hawaii, we are going to Hawaii.....  I went over to her to discuss the trip, I almost blew it.  You see, everyone in the tax office knew, my work knew, my tax clients knew....I was excited.  I blurted out when we go to Vegas we can do xyz.  I almost said Hawaii.  At that time I knew I was in trouble, I could even blow it. 

Problem with scheduling at work.   I had a frantic note from Lisa my accomplice that people were asking Deanna to switch days with her.  Deanna agreed, she saw the dummy schedule, what did she care.  At that time I told her friend, (I let him in on it about a week before), invite Deanna to places.  Concerts, etc.  That way she wouldn't switch days at work.  I think she was going to Aerosmith, and who knows what else.  That problem was solved. 

Ok- one last problem to solve, my big mouth.  It was the day before, I am thinking I cant believe I am getting away with this thing, and being around her I thought I would slip.  So I told her I was going to Dominick's to shop- and I would be gone for a while.  I went there, sat in the parking lot to make sure I kept my mouth shut.  I came home she was in bed, and the next morning I made sure I arrived early to work so I wouldn't have to talk to her.

Ok- how do I do it.  I came up with the idea of sending 5 greeting cards to work so her co-workers could give her at random times during the day, and finally the last one broke the news.  The first cards were sorry I lied to you and I took my medicine.  I gave one gentle clue on the second to the last card.  And the final card is burned in my memory.
Hello my dear its me again,
I do this because you are the best.
Hawaii we go with a boat to the room
And Friday Dolphin Quest. 

I got to see her read it, she hopped, and I was there.  If anyone has the opportunity to do something like this in their life- do it.  Beyond memorable, beyond worth it.  We probably put some on credit cards, we probably spent too much.  But who cares.  I wish I could repeat it.